How to Get Your Customers to Sod Off Immediately**

Guidelines for success on the internet abound. In a world of people trying so hard to rise to the top, wouldn’t it be a relief to just boldly sink to the bottom in a giant display of rebellion and middle finger waving?

How exciting would it be to stand alone in a crowd of people who are all trying to fit in? Come on, you can do it – lead from the back!

Here we go: Failure imminent.

Visual Dissonance

The internet is an intensely visual place. In order for people to stay on your website once they hit your home, product or landing page, a certain amount of congruence, harmony and flow are necessary.

Forget feng shui!

Selecting a color sConversion rate optimisation cheme that harkens back heavy LSD usage will cure your visitors of any desire to stay. Busy patterns, clashing colors, graphics and images that do not suit your subject matter – all that is great! Maybe some anime cartoons about ninjas on your gardening website? Or some adorable kittens on your tech-knowledge site? Perfect.

 

 

Don’t forget the Wall of Text either. In the quest to numb your customers’ brains immediately, nothing beats a plain, full-width white screen covered with line after line of consistent 11 pt. text.

In addition, arrange your site navigation so that getting from page to page is as mysterious as possible.

Get Yours First

Your website is there to provide income for you, so do whatever you need to in order to get that income.

  • Place ads on your site. As many ads as you can. With tons of them in pop-up form so that the entire content of your site is visually blocked, your visitors will last about 0.2 seconds before hitting the back button.
  • Make sure to SEO your headlines, so that people searching for real information will be led to your site.

No need to follow up the headlines with any real content. You can just type whatever (sprinkling keywords throughout for the spiders, of course). Sure, it’s a shortcut, but…since no one will be reading past your headlines, save yourself the time and effort that writing real content requires.

DO YOU LIKE ME?????

Nothing repulses humans like desperation. In fact, it’s probably a tie whether desperation more effectively drives people away on the internet, or in your dating life. Make sure you have a large drop down signup box that loads in the first second of a visitor’s time on your page, so that they understand how quickly you are trying to alienate them. Ask them repeatedly to sign up for your emails and newsletters before they’ve even had a chance to read anything on your site.

Also, if you post a video, make sure to set it up so that they have to share the video through social media before they can even watch it.

Alright, Seriously…

Clearly this is tongue in cheek. And yet, as obvious and laughable as these points seem when written out, I’m 100% sure that each of you reading can think of times you’ve come across websites that are designed with one or more of these issues.

Yes the attention span of the internet reader is short – it’s because they are scanning for solid content that answers their questions. Keep it snappy, but keep it quality. Quality sells, and quality will bring them back.

Focus on meeting the customers’ needs & wants and you will be pleasantly surprised at how your bottom line takes care of itself.

**Notice for those who may find themselves confused by the insincere tone of this article: Any apparent conflict between common sense and the content of this page is sarcasm, and is meant for pithy entertainment only. -Editor